I'm setting myself the challenge of doing a bake related to the programme in its honour each week - and it keeps us from getting the munchies mid-viewing! Last week I managed to fulfil the chocolate cake and sandwich cake criteria and two out of three ain't bad. Or so said Meatloaf anyway. (See? My little jokes are almost-topical now. It's only a matter of time before I'm asked to present the show, surely.)
This time, however, I have to admit that I didn't manage any proper bread. I'm sorry. Like Ali, I have to admit that bread just isn't my thing and I've never managed it yet. But I did stretch to Mary Berry's banana bread, which I suppose is technically a cake, but who's counting?
Hopefully my other bake for the week will redeem me - it's a blackberry buttermilk sponge from none other than the Everyday Bake Off book itself. Thanks to my granny, it uses freshly picked Devon blackberries - wouldn't Glen be proud?!
Anyway, let's get on with the show. Bread, as I'm sure any hardcore Bake Off fans will be aware, is judge Paul Hollywood's forte. 'As far as I'm concerned,' he warned, 'it's one of the hardest things to master.' Should any mishaps occur, he will apparently be 'on them like a rash.' Perish the thought. And this is just the second week of the competition, people! In the first two series, bread week was in the third week, but in recent years, it's been bumped up to second, just to ensure that the bakers aren't having it too easy.
The three tasks they were set in this instalment comprised a Signature Bake of breadsticks, English muffins as the Technical Challenge and finally a Showstopping decorated loaf.
Paraphrasing the great and bountiful Maria von Trapp and possibly also Julie Andrews, the beginning is a very good place to start. For their opening bake of the programme, the twelve remaining bakers (losing Gender Equality Toby in the first round still smarts) were asked to prepare thirty-six breadsticks, of any flavour at all, but they had to include yeast. Further regulations stipulated that each breadstick must be 25cm, or 10" in old money, in length. A 'good snap' and consistent colouring would also score brownie points (sorry, sorry) with the judges.
As this is the signature bake, the bakers are looking to impress Paul and Mary with their original and unique ideas, resulting in a range of flavour combinations, from the Mexican-inspired creations from Rob and Ruby, to Howard's Moroccan tagine and traditional Italian from Ali and Lucy. Both judges worried that Lucy's traditional yet safe grissini with salt would prove too boring when up against some of the more imaginative concoctions, although I must say that I agreed with her that, for me, a perfect bake with a simple flavour would win out over something more complicated but not as well executed.
There were some very impressive kneading techniques from the bakers, especially from the point of view of somebody who cannot knead for toffee. Mark's stern-looking and rather vigorous style was certainly entertaining, although he admitted himself that he didn't know if it was the right way to go about things. Kimberley also looked very much like a person who knows what she's doing, which is always a good sign. I think that in spite of his suspicious looks, Paul seemed impressed that she was looking for the gluten to develop into what those in the know apparently call the 'window pane stage'.
Once the dough has been proved (and as usual each baker opts for a slightly different length of time), it is rolled out by hand, with a rolling pin or even a pasta machine, and cut into breadsticks, before being baked.
The standard of the signature bake was so high that we armchair-judges were very glad that we didn't have to make the call. Some of the skill and expertise involved was fantastic: Ruby was adamant that her two-tone dough would adhere and it did; Rob the scientist planned his bake to perfection yet again and the mad but loveable Frances had constructed a giant matchbox for the display of her sweet breadsticks.
In the end, the judges' favourites included Ali's Parmesan, Roquefort and garlic grissini, Rob's 'very precise, very you' twisty rye breadsticks and Kimberley's Nigella seed and Parmesan sticks. Unfortunately, the combined knowledge of Paul and Bez had been right about Lucy's bake and they found it a tad bland, which I was rather sad about, considering how well she had done the previous week with her beautiful sandwich cake and the technical task.
Onwards and upwards to the Technical Challenge! This is what I really love about the Bake Off, because, although the creativity of the Signature and Showstopper is what baking is really all about, it's very interesting to level the playing field a bit and test the bakers' experience and intuition.
This week, the twelve contestants were asked to make eight English muffins, each with a light, chewy texture and a good even bake (this is what I had planned to make for my own little challenge, but as you'll have seen above, unfortunately I never made it!) To add to the pressure, this was Paul's own recipe - 'no biggie!' joked Mel.
Unlike their cake-like American cousins, English muffins are made of enriched dough and cooked not in the oven but on a hot griddle, which, as Glenn put it, was a 'journey into the unknown' for many of the bakers.
The kneading, says Christine, is the most difficult part. Yet there are puzzled faces aplenty at the next instruction, which simply says 'prove' - but for how long? 'When in doubt,' Ali advises, 'one hour.'
After proving, the bakers must choose the right sized cutter to shape their muffins and begin baking them on a hotplate. Unless you are Howard, in which case you must also contend with Sue putting an elbow in one of your beautiully crafted muffins as it waits patiently under its teatowel to be baked.
But eventually, blunt trauma and all, twelve sets of eight muffins were lined up on what Mel aptly called 'the altar' and Mary and Paul returned to do their worst.
The most common problem that the judges picked up on was underbaking; several of the contestants' muffins were still doughy in the middle, as it's very difficult to tell when they are cooked all the way through. Top three Kimberley's, Frances' and Ruby's all impressed Paul and Mary with an even bake and a light texture, while Christine, Rob and Mark took fourth, fifth and sixth places. Glenn, Deborah and Ali found themselves in places seven to nine and the bottom three comprised Howard, Beca and Lucy.
Especially given her seemingly uninspiring Signature Bake, we were rooting for her to pull her socks up and produce a masterpiece of a Showstopper.
I'll admit it now; to me, a maker of cakes and purveyor of all that is sweet and filled with sugar, the words 'show stopping' and 'bread' seemed at first contradictory. But the bakers' challenge was to bake a decoratively shaped loaf of any flavour, colour, size or indeed shape imaginable. I think Mary articulated it perfectly - 'we're looking for the personality of the bakers to come through,' she explained.
Three of my personal favourites, in theory at least, were Howard's Picasso sun bread, Ruby's white chocolate and orange peacock loaf and Kimberley's 'peace bread', so called because its ingredients are a combination of traditionally Jewish and Arabic flavours.
Meanwhile, Lucy was once again keeping it simple. Her tomato and garlic bread would be tomato-shaped, but it used her own, homegrown yeast, in the form of a sourdough starter made with an apple from her garden - but would that be enough to impress Paul and Mary?
For some of the bakers, though, creating their loaves in four hours would be a tall order. Rob had brought with him a vast array of technical-looking bits and pieces (yes, that's also the technical term for them). Upon questioning, he divulged his design idea. 'It's a Paul the Psychic Octopus tribute loaf!'
Well, what else?
Beca, Mark and Christine are the only bakers to use a traditional plaited design, but many more bakers end up on the floor in front of the oven during baking - even Glenn, who had promised himself that he wouldn't be 'one of those lunatics, kneeling on the floor.'
After four hours of toil and tension, when the loaves finally emerged from the oven, each was presented to the judges. I know that I've already given you my theoretical favourites, but in practice, I really liked Beca's spiced Christmas wreath. It's the sort of bread that I would love to be able to make and I like the sound of the spiced-and-sweet flavour combination too (although there were a few issues getting it to part with its baking tray).
Glenn's harvest crown was also very pretty, complete with tiny little harvest mice too - adorable!
I feel as though I haven't mentioned Christine enough, because I've enjoyed her bakes so far and I think that last week her chocolate hat Showstopper was overlooked in favour of some of the more abstract or minimalist-ish designs, which was a shame. This week, though, she pulled off a fantastic double-plaited loaf, which Paul and Mary both praised. And don't you think she could pass for Mary's long lost cousin?
Frances' Sailor's Knot loaf also proved to be popular with the judges, as it was technically a very difficult thing to have produced. But Rob's Paul the Octopus was 'lost in translation' - both judges looked slightly bemused at the concept of a cephalopod tribute bread.
Finally, Lucy's and Ruby's breads were to be judged. This time, I found myself slightly more on the judges' side with regard to Lucy's simplistic bake, because she could have done so much more in four hours. But she said herself that it was the kind of loaf that she would have wanted to bake and eat, so all credit to her for that.
Ruby's creation, though, was in another league. Paul praised her decision to mix by hand and therefore retain the chunks of white chocolate and both judges agreed that the shape and design of the peacock was superb.
When Mel and Sue spoke to the judges in the secret tipi, both Bez and Paul seemed dead set on both counts, which surprised me, as I thought that there were several candidates for Star Baker at least. But their minds were made up.
This week's star baker was a very deserving - and surprised! - Ruby. I'm really pleased that the youngest competitor in the Bake Off has won the accolade, because it just shows that years of experience aren't everything in a competition like this. However, I had thought that Kimberley was a very strong contender for the top spot, but there's always next time.
Sadly, Lucy hadn't shown enough flair or imagination in either her Signature or Showstopper bakes and coming last in the Technical hadn't exactly helped her cause either; Paul and Mary decided that she would be the one to leave the competition, after the Mel and Sue sandwich that is now customary.
NEXT TIME - it's desserts week! Join the remaining eleven bakers next Tuesday evening for some deliciously retro Signature trifles, thoroughly Technically Challenging floating meringue islands and Showstopping Petits Fours.
(: xx
The Great British Bake Off continues next Tuesday on BBC2 at 8pm. Don't miss it! #GBBO
